Before I get into the topic here, let me start out by saying that I do feel blessed. I have a good family, good friends, and we're all healthy and I thank God for everything I have. But lately I've been doing alot of reflection about who I am. For the last couple of years especially, I've been struggling off and on with depression. In me, depression results in lack of motivation and laziness. Although I've always been a procrastinator, I've always waited till the last minute. Todd really nailed it on the head once when he said "you only get motivated when you get yourself into a hole that you then have to dig yourself out of. It would be so much easier on you if you didn't waste your time digging the hole in the first place". This little quirk of mine drives him nuts. But, this is how I've always functioned. When asked in an interview about strengths and weakness I say "my weakness is that I procrastinate, but my strength is that I work well under pressure". Lame, huh?!
Well, it seems that lately functioning like this for so long and then dealing with the depression, I've really developed some bad habits. These bad habits have led to a very bad attitude. This has led to me surmising that I don't like myself very much. I do have positive attributes. I love my kids and I do alot for them, I'm there for my friends, most people like me and those who don't are just idiots, lol. But I feel like a failure in some areas and I feel alone. I know I'm not alone, I have plenty of people who care about me and who will do anything for me. But, the "alone" feeling is hard to describe. I'm not depressed, just frustrated. Frustrated with life and myself. I'm not looking for validation here, I don't want people to tell me how awesome I am. I think I'm just having some sort of early mid-life crisis.
It's a vicious cycle, I know what habits I need to change, but don't have the motivation to change them, my lack of motivation is one of them. I know my attitude will change when I change my habits, but.........well you get the point! So what come first?, the chicken or the egg?, the habits or the attitude?. It's a beautiful day outside, I think I'll go for a walk and see if I can find a better attitude and hopefully in the end a better me!
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I firmly believe that we have to stop and see ourselves through Christ's eyes, not our own. We all have a God shaped hole in our lives, and unless it is filled with God, not other things this life offers we will feel empty, alone, not good enough, or a failure. I often cringe when I hear people talk about self-esteem, like they are able to esteem themselves enough to do anything in life. The Bible says that Man's heart is deceitfully wicked and no man can know it. We should be trying to have God-esteem instead, declaring what God thinks of us instead of our selfishness with ourselves. We are nothing without him! God knows our hurts, hangups, and habits and he wants our best. But, he doesn't expect us to do it on our own. He wants us to bring them to the cross and leave them there, like a backpack full of heavy burdens. Sometimes it takes conquering one habit or attitude at a time. Don't wait for the perfect day, just do it...today...decide on one area you will totally surrender to God and ask him to help you to choose a new path...his path. Then write on the calender when you are going to face the next habit or attitude. Psalm 139:14 says that he made us fearfully and wonderfully. He wants us to display his goodness and grace and to treat our bodies as temples, keeping them holy and pure. (Okay, now, just so you know this is kind of preaching to myself thorugh this post, and sharing truth that needs to be taken on my end as well.) You can do it, don't let Satan do what he does best and lie to you. YOU CAN DO IT...through Christ all things are possible! So...get busy :)
ReplyDeleteWent for a walk, listened to some good music, didn't find a new attitude laying around on the curb, but it was a nice walk and I thoroughly enjoyed God's wonderous world and the feel of the breeze and sun on my face :)
ReplyDeleteWendy,
ReplyDeleteYou always have the most inspiring words which is why I come to you when I need spiritual guidance and inspiration. You're right about God-esteem vs self-esteem. But, I don't think my problem is necessarily self-esteem, it's just not liking who I've become, or at least some parts of me. And I know that God loves me no matter what, but I wonder if He likes me right now, you know like you can love your kids unconditionally no matter what, but sometimes you don't like them very much. To some extent this is all said with humor, I thoroughly believe that humor and faith are what gets me through the day sometimes. I guess it's just, I thought or think I should be so much more than what I am. Not in a material sense, but in an attitude, behavioral, motherly, wifely (is that a word?) etc sense. I think i may be God (like any parent would do) telling me to take stock, get my act together and be he person that He knows I can be. Does that make sense? I think God "checks" us every once in a while so we can mend those holes in our fences that Satan keeps making to get to us. When I'm feeling really crappy about "me" I pray "Satan get out of my head and my life, you have already lost the battle for my soul, you can't win!" I know that through my faith, family, friends (like you), and a little self kicking in the hiney, I'll get through his and come out a better person, the person that God knows I can be :)
I often tell my children attitude is a choice and you have to choose differently then the feelings will follow. It is contagious, for good or for bad. Sometimes when they are crabby around me it gets me crabby too, but if I return it with cheerfulness it defuses them and helps get them in a better frame of mind. If only we could remember that when we are in the midst of it...OR, sometimes I just want to be a crab because I'm entitled to be and no one is changing me....HAHAAHAHA...
ReplyDeleteMaybe it would help to take a written inventory of your life. What you don't like and what you want changed about it. That way you are being intentional about the changes you want to make. I hear ya, though, it is tough!
Good idea, that's kind of one reason I started blogging. I communicate better in writing. It helps me organize my thoughts. If I see it (inventory of my life, to do list, etc) I'm more apt to act on it. All of this is not said or thought with a hopeless state of mind or sadness, I just feel the need for a change, in me. Like I said, I know that I am very blessed, I don't mean to whine or complain, just taking stock! I want to be who I know and who I know God knows I can be. Also like I said I just need a little self-hiney kicking, lol.
ReplyDeleteI think we all do. I have things I would like to see changed in my own life. I think it is good recognize areas that need attention and spend time figuring out what to do about it and taking action. We all area a work in progress, it's just that some are humble enough to admit it. :)
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