Why so stubborn?!

Hello all,

I realize I'm not off to a very good start on this blog, I was planning on posting everyday, but oh well. As I mentioned in my first blog I get frustrated when I can't figure out what God's plan is for me. Well, what I've also learned is that I get stubborn! I get a picture in my head of how something is supposed to be and I fight and struggle to make it that way. This usually ends up in failure, after failure, after failure. What I have learned is that when I finally stop being so stubborn, God opens the proper doors. This doesn't mean that I've stopped being stubborn though, I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

My latest and longest stubborn fit has to do with my career and just what I'm going to do with that expensive degree of mine. Here's what I want.....I want to be in private practice so I can see clients, help people, yet have the flexibility to be there for my children. Sounds simple and easy enough right? Wrong! One problem/obstacle is that we live in a very rural area. This can be both an advantage and disadvantage. There are very few providers in his area, so very little competition and a need for services. The disadvantage is the small populations and economic means in this area.

So why not move to a bigger city? Because my family is the most important thing to me. We own our house, as in no mortgage payment or rent payment. And I love the school my children attend and the community as a whole. This community is founded on Christian beliefs and family values. I know drugs, gangs, violence, sex, etc.. can happen anywhere, but around here there is really no problem with underage drinking (I'm not so naive, I'm sure some of the kids are doing it), no drug problems in the school, and not one pregnant teenager in the high school. There are very few places where you can make that claim. So we're staying put, not moving, even if that would mean more opportunities in the career department. I should mention that a move could even mean opportunities for my husband as he is not using his degree either.

I don't want to make alot of money, I just want to contribute, take some stress off my husband. He has had to work so hard to allow me to follow my dreams. I often say that I can't wait for the day when I'll be able to spoil him. I'm getting a little off topic, back to my stubborness.

As opportunity after opportunity keeps falling through I get more and more frustrated and confused. I thought I was following God's plan. But maybe He has a different plan for right now. I have worked a little in the past 5 years while getting my degree and doing my internship, so I have never referred to myself as a stay at home mom. But, I'm realizing that maybe that's what I am. I have been blessed to be able to go to all my children's activities and be here when they get off the bus. So I'm wondering, am I supposed to be a stay at home mom for now? With my degree though, I can be both. I can schedule my appointments around my children's schedule. I could make a little money to take some of the pressure off my husband. So why is God not opening up those doors?

I am currently working on opening my own practice, but I am a little bit of an instant gratification type of girl. So the slow process is frustrating me and I fear that I am once again just being stubborn and fighting to make my world match the picture in my head!

Sometimes I wish God was on Facebook or could just send me a text explaining what I'm supposed to do. Where is the syllabus of life? Where's that little green arrow like in those commercials leading me to where I am supposed to go? Where's the instruction manual? You get the idea. Some people think that having faith makes life easier. Well sometimes it does, but sometimes it just frustrates the heck out of me. Sometimes I just want answers, but I will keep the faith, because God has led me here so far and things have turned out pretty good for the most part. I have a wonderful family, live in a great community, have excellent friends, and we have our health. Now if I could just get a job!